Lockdown Support Zone: Quirky Humour
Due to the quarantine, I'll only be telling inside jokes
I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it
So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic
The following were contributed by Margaret Barrans, Bill Jones and Bruce Chalmers:
Sherlock HOLMES and Doctor WATSON went on a camping trip. In the middle of the night HOLMES awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
Holmes: Look up at the sky and tell me what you see
Watson: I see millions and millions of stars
Holmes: What does that tell you, WATSON?
Watson: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell you?
Holmes (silent for a moment): WATSON, someone has stolen our tent!
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lockdown!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee, and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge, as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine as no situation is too pressing.
With thanks to Margaret Barrans for sharing.
With thanks to Bruce Chalmers for sharing.
Pam Harris writes:
This is an old joke but there may be some who haven't heard it, and it can be understood only by people of a certain age!
A year after the flood had subsided Noah went into the forest to see how the animals were getting on. He was delighted to see that they all had young families - except the snakes. "Why have you no young" he said, "I asked you to go forth and multiply". "We can't" replied the snakes "we are adders".
The following year Noah returned and found the snakes in a clearing in the wood with a brood of young snakes. "Congratulations" he exclaimed "you did it!" "Yes" replied the snakes "it was easy when we found these logs".
As Pam says, you need to be of a certain age to understand this. Search Google for “log tables” if it doubt.
From Robin Leleuex
At a golf club which thought very highly of itself, the Club Chairman saw a rather scruffily-dressed man having lunch in the dining room. So he stalked over to him and said haughtily
My good man, I am the Chairman of the Club’s Greens Committee
Whereupon the other said:
Thank God for that; these sprouts are stone cold
Robin assures me this was paraphrased from the Times. Sounds more like a Christmas cracker joke to me
From John Hancock's Twitter feed:
In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years, I am now yelling at my parents for going out!
A side effect of the quarantine is that it is really hard to end a telephone conversation. Twice today I almost said "Okay, I have to run" before I realised that there was nowhere to run to!
Looking after the kids when they are off school:
Latest additions from Bill Jones, Helen Stevens and Eric Craigie
We purchased a world map and put it up in the kitchen. I gave my wife a dart and said:
"Throw this and wherever it lands - that's where we I'm taking you when this pandemic is all over"
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge!
Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so
Pappy told her, "Susie gal
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know
But Joe is yo' half-brother
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this
He said "There's trouble still"
"You can't marry Will my gal
And please don't tell yo' Mother
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother"
But Mama knew and said "My child
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy"
YouTube links from Helen Stevens and Steve Weatherby:
1) If you're a sports commentator and there's no live sport, what do you do? Rugby commentator Nick Heath decided to commentate on everyday life, and the results (in this series of short videos) are very entertaining...
and a new exercise for those in isolation:
These contributions are from John Hancock's daughter living in Portsmouth: